


You Must Have Seen

by plasticineking



Series: death comes rushing on in [2]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sad Ending, Sad middle, sad beginning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-01
Updated: 2016-04-01
Packaged: 2018-05-30 15:22:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6429874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plasticineking/pseuds/plasticineking
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eliza implores Alex to write a letter to John Laurens. A very definitely dead John Laurens. </p><p>'You take a part of me with you, I am afraid. A part of my heart and soul belonged to you from the moment we met and died the moment you died. But I hope I hold a part of you inside me, and with that as long as I shall live you will, too. '</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Must Have Seen

**Author's Note:**

> BECAUSE THEY WERE IN LOVE AND IT'S NOT OKAY HE DIED. I wrote this in like half an hour and I checked over for mistakes but if any remain I am sorry. I've tagged Eliza/Alex but that's just cos she's perf and understanding about his heartbreak because let's face it, if she read his letters post-his death she probably knew it all and still died 50+ years later loving him (literally what was so good about him? idk god damn it)

** You Must Have Seen **

* * *

_They will tell our story…_

* * *

  

The paper and quill lay unused. Truthfully Alexander saw no point in either. If John Laurens could hear him, then he would be able to speak to him, into the abyss that follows death with the same result as writing a letter would receive… which is none.

But Eliza suggested it.

Holding their son in her arms, months old and still so small and oh so perfect. A smile almost permanently on his face that crept into the very soul of Hamilton and shone a light on the parts of him he’d have never known existed. All thanks to Eliza.

Sweet, wonderful and understanding Eliza. The only person he could think of that would see the depths of his heart break, understand that it was beyond the usual measurements of friendship and feel sorrow for _him_.

“Write to him,” her words were soft and genuine, having given Philip to Alexander she ran her fingers through his hair, a comforting touch – one that begun with John years before – and he burrowed into her, his eyes closing at her smell.

“It would be a waste of ink and paper,” he said not unkindly, but without much energy.

Stepping back she pressed a kiss to his head before taking Philip out of his reluctant arms, “If I can see you smile again, if it heals just a fraction of your heart, I would give you all the paper and ink in the world.”

With that she stepped out of the room, giving him a privacy he wasn’t sure he deserved but welcomed nonetheless.

It was freeing to realize that, since this letter could not be intercepted by anyone, that it would not be sent at all, he could speak freely. Even more than he ever had.

_  
My Dearest, John._

_You have left me here alone. Knowing that it was always something that could happen, one of us leaving before the other had not made it easier when the time came. When I received your father’s letter you had already been dead for over a week and it shocks me that I did not know the instant it happened. I was sure that if you had died the whole world would have stopped and I would have known._

_You take a part of me with you, I am afraid. A part of my heart and soul belonged to you from the moment we met and died the moment you died. But I hope I hold a part of you inside me, and with that as long as I shall live you will, too. For the first time I have a desire to live longer – although I cannot say that is all because of you alone._

_Philip has opened parts of me that you will never get to see, I still find myself tearing up when I see his face. It’s so pure, I’m almost sure you as ever stoic about personal emotions would find your heart aquiver at the sight. He gives me a craving to live on. My dearest wife, too. She wants me so much to be whole again, but she knows that I have lost so much in losing you. She understands that I have and I know now that I am so very lucky to have her, my Betsey, as a wife._

_You told me once that you had never seen me in love, until I met Eliza. Yet, surely you must have seen the way I looked at you? My words were not subtle and the nights I held you I clung so tightly to your body I thought you would shout out in pain, you must have known. I could not hide anything from you, my Laurens, yet I somehow hid this. It gives me great pain that you never knew, never understood, that my flowery words for you were not out of a poetic soul but out of the poetry you brought out of my soul. You made me want more than this world could offer._

_Falling in love whilst I was in love with you did not stop my love for you, I implore to you beyond whatever heavenly coil has you, that you know this, that I radiate the feelings so strong in me that you cannot help but feel it through death. I never stopped…_

_I could not help my love for you nor more than I could help my love for Eliza…nor more than I look at my son at find it unfathomable that I have lived so long a life without him in it and one day he might be cursed to do so without me, also._

_It is them that keeps a part of me wanting to live. I held Philip in my arms as my wife held me in hers and I knew, despite the desire to join you, to be with you so much it hurts, I think leaving my wife and child would cause me as much pain in the afterlife, that I should wish for an endless abyss instead of heaven just to escape it._

_I will meet death when it’s due with open arms, knowing that I will get to see you again._

_Yrs always,  
A. Hamilton._

\--

There were a few tear drops on the paper and reading over his words he felt his cheeks prick with blush. It was damning, this letter, should anyone that did not deserve to read it – namely himself or John – get their hands on it… but he was surprised to feel a part of him lifted. The words were out there, out of a piece of paper that he could express them to the world, and that meant they didn’t live in him, taking over his soul little by little, losing himself to it.

A part of him had died, closed off never to reopen when he found of John’s death, but similarly a part of him was brought to life with the sight of his son and wife, and it was with that he managed to hide the letter away – with a mental promise to burn later that night in a final act of farewell – and go in search for the two things he was sure he did not deserve in the world but with how precious life had become, he knew he could not take for granted.

“Did you write?” Eliza had asked after a few minutes, he sat next to her holding her in his arms as she held their son. It was okay, he realized, when he thought of the part of him that was with John… it would never have been for anyone else anyway. John deserved that.

“Yes, I did,” he took a pause, kissing the side of her head, “thank you.”

\--


End file.
